Thursday, January 1, 2009

Say Goodbye To...Fashion Banned from 2009

Lake Superior State University issues an annual "Banished Words" list this time each year. In honor of the fresh New Year, I'm starting my own list -

This Year's Banned Fashion for Big-Boned Fashionista's.

1) Skinny jeans. Let's face it. They're not skinny on us. And if you do happen to have skinny limbs, don't skinny jeans just accentuate how skinny the rest of you isn't?

2) Muffin-tops. Low-rise jeans are the culprit in most cases. Girls, I don't care how loveable your curves are (and I do think they can be loveable), they do NOT look good phalumphing out the top and sides of a too-small, too-low pair of jeans.

3) Baring it. It's happening at clubs, restaurants, and malls everywhere...would-be beautiful people wearing hideously too small, too tight, too revealing clothes that make them look horrendous. Do we not have full length mirrors any more? Do 8 inches of juicy cleavage bursting out of a tank top make up for how the clingy cotton knit makes the tummy roll look like one ate the Michelin Man for lunch?

4) Oversized T-Shirts. These should be relegated to sleepwear (if you have to sleep in something besides your lovely skin) and the gym. Contrary to how they might make one feel, they don't cover a multitude of sins. They make it look like you're carrying around even more than you a large, square package. I can't think of one girl I know that really looks good in a t-shirt, unless of course it's layered under some actual clothing.

5) The Jumpsuit. Hot in the fashion mags in 2008, I can't imagine a worse choice for someone with some meat on her bones. Leave these to the Paltrows and Mosses of the world and put on something that you don't have to strip off completely when you have to pee.

6) Capri Pants. Ok, they're SO comfortable. Well, so are sweats, and we aren't calling them fashion either. Capris make almost everyone of size look short, cut-off, wide, and, yes, indecisive. "Hmm...shorts or long-pants today? I don't know, I'll just go with the capris!"

7) Leggings. Also known as "stretch-pants." I don't care how often they come in and out of fashion. I DETEST leggings and wish I would never see another pair. I don't care what the fat-acceptance advocates might say, my lumps and bumps are not beautiful covered in stretchy fabric, and neither are anyone elses. Put any tapered pants style in the garbage with them. Blech!

8) Large Floral Prints. I don't really want to ban these because I adore them. They were a big trend in 2008 among the fashiony set, but in plus-sizes they tend to look very geriatric. Combine a large floral print with the popular flowing maxi-dress from 2008 in a size above a 10, and you've got yourself a full-on mu mu.

9) Tunics. Tunics are hard to get right, even for Skinny Minnies. The proportions have to be just so, they have to flow without clinging in the wrong places, they can make you look short, or worse, like you're trying to hide something. Since they don't really have much appeal even when they're done right, I say throw the bums out!

10) Tattoos. In general, I love tattoos. I even have one. They just ruin the line of clothes and are therefore a bad idea in visible places. Or maybe I'm burnt out on seeing lower-back tattoos in combination with too-tight, too-low pants (see Banned Items 1, 2 and 3) making a woman's rear decollatage look like she's got graffiti scrawled between 2 plump Christmas hams.

Well, there's my list for 2009. (I won't be surprised if my list is similar every year.) I apologize if my strong opinions offend anyone, but I'm probably right. :)

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